We saved each other, didn't we?
by CanadaGrizzly
Summary: All her life, Amanda Rollins had looked up to Olivia Benson. Her journey to where she is now. Her triumph and tragedies she was never alone. Livs grief about not being able to save her from Patton. Amanda's love as she is willing to make ultimate sacrifice to save Liv from Lewis. Read, review, I beg of you! Thanks!
1. I loved you from the very first day

Amanda Rollins sighed, slamming the door of her locker shut with a bang. Her shoulders ached from all the pushups they'd had to do during P.T. Because Tavers had made innuendos again. She was used to pain, but it was nothing like this. This was new. All her life she'd been pushed around, told she wouldn't get anywhere but the kitchen because of her gender, but here? At the academy people were supposed to believe in her. Everyone had the same goal. So why were all the guys only interested in watching her backside as she ran?

"Rollins. That's against regulation." Captain Boothe ripped the news article off the locker door, examining it closely. Her face lit up in a smirk. " Well Well. Fan of Special Victims are we? You're in luck. Report to the auditorium. Three hour presentation on sex crimes. Take notes."

Sighing, Amanda marched to the auditorium, not exactly thrilled with spending her evening listening to a guest cop speak about sex crimes and hearing the guys joke for the rest of the night. She entered the large room, selecting a seat near the side door, hoping to remain unnoticed. She leaned back in her chair, a combination of her cramps and her muscle soreness making her nauseous and on the verge of tearing up.

" Please give a warm welcome to Captain Cragan and Detective Benson from Manhattan Special Victims unit. " Amanda was suddenly as alert as a dog who caught sight of a duck. Olivia Benson, here, in the flesh! She suddenly didn't mind being sentenced to an evening of listening to her idol, and If she was being honest, her crush, tell her how to be a better cop. She hoped someday, maybe, if God or whoever controlled this world cared about her at all, to maybe get to work with her.

The entire presentation seemed to fly by, with Amanda having taken almost ten pages of detailed notes, and she'd lost track of time, not noticing when the presentation was ended. The auditorium was empty, except for her and, scum of the earth Tavers.

" Hey Rollins, how'd you like your girlfriends presentation?" She shrugged off his playful nudge. " How come you're so into her huh?"

"Leave me alone Tavers." Amanda shrugged past him, rushing out of the auditorium, gasping as he blocked her path. "Was I not clear? I said leave me alone."

"I can make you feel things that New York bitch never could. Let me try, I promise you won't even look at her again." Her heart pounded, what could she do? Tavers was huge, she was, well, comparable in size to her mama's dachshund.

"Hey, when I was in the academy there was absolutely no funny business allowed during hours. " The balding man advanced, blue eyes staring daggers at Tavers. "Don't make me give you a strike."

Amanda gave a weak smile as Tavers raced out of the auditorium. " Thankyou..." She couldn't for the life of her remember his name! How embarrassing was that?

"Captain Cragen." Amanda's eyes widened. Oh she felt stupid. " Can you get back to your dorm on your own or should I have someone walk with you?"

" Thanks, but I think I can make it on my own." Amanda turned for the door before literally running into a tall, uniformed woman.

" I wanted a tour of the place. I started earlier but didn't have time for the northside. How about I walk you since the dorms are that way." Amanda gasped, her mouth suddenly unable to form words correctly.

"Yeah...um...I mean Yes Ma'am Thankyou..." She was stuttering, stumbling around her words like an idiot.

"Olivia please." The woman laughed, her hand ghosting over Amanda's wrist. " He grabbed you. " All traces of laughter were gone from her face. " You need to tell someone. Please. " Her eyes stared into Amanda's with the gentleness of a golden retriever yet the ferocity of a lion. She saw fear in Amanda's eyes and wrapped her arms around the younger woman, offering comfort and strength. "Don't worry. I'll talk to someone if you'd like me too. "

Amanda sighed into the hug, never dreaming this was actually real. Olivia Benson was literally hugging her right now. " That won't be necessary. I'll report it. I promise." She looked up into wise brown eyes. "I swear ok?"

Olivia smiled, walking her down the ramp and out into the cool October night. She grabbed Amanda's arm when she stumbled, sending butterflies through her stomach.

They talked, about many things, the Academy, life in New York. Amanda was sad when they reached the dorms. Olivia hugged her again, smiling brightly.

" Never let anyone tell you that you are nothing. When they do, know that I think you are an amazing woman with a real talent for police work. I'd be honored to work with you someday."

Amanda went to bed that night with a smile on her face. It was only the next morning she realized she'd never given Olivia her name.


	2. IwasadreamerbeforeyouwentandletMedown

"I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations to Amanda Rollins. You'd better watch out boys. She's turning into a real Racehorse out there. 5.30 mile. That's better than any of you've got." Amanda glowed with pride. Her eyes dared to glance around her, seeing the dumbfounded guys. Some very few, like Tavers had anger on their faces, but most looked like they were gearing up for some friendly competition. They'd seen Amanda's confidence mysteriously grow in the six months since the convention, seen her no longer be afraid to excel at the things she enjoyed. She could out shoot even the instructors, and her running was unmatched.

"Places." Instructor Shepherd called out, as the recruits scrambled around the starting line. As soon as the gun went off, Rollins was off like a light. She ran faster than she had in her life, swiftly leaving the others in her dust. Lap one was a breeze, and she all but sailed through laps two and three, easily a half a lap ahead of the others consistently. On lap four, she was up against Tavers. She saw him out of the corner of her eye, gaining on her, running faster and faster, neck and neck down the homestretch. She crossed the finish line first, beating him literally by one step.

"Well, That was awfully good for a lady cop." Tavers wheezed, his hand lightly grazing her behind as he stood beside her, she sidestepped off the track, untying and retying her shoes. She hated him, hated everything the man stood for.

"Well done Rollins." Greene beamed at her, his smile genuine, he was actually congratulating her. " Hey Tavers, maybe you could beat her if you lay off the cigarettes."

"Yeah, Well," Amanda saw the wheels turning in Tavers head, but it seemed the hamster was taking a nap. "My uncle says ladies and Negros don't belong in policework."

"That's enough." Instructor Shepherd ordered. " You're out of line Tavers. If you really believe that, why'd you let yourself get beat by a lady?" He winked at Amanda. Not a flirty wink, but the kind a big brother would give to a little sister. " Run another mile to cool off Tavers, then we'll see you in the chow hall."

Amanda smiled as she played with the spaghetti on her plate. She was unbelievably nervous. Tonight they'd get their Precinct assignments. In a week was graduation.

" Can we go to New York? " Amanda surprised herself by asking Greene.

"New York? Damn girl. You still sweet on that Lady cop? Manda, were rookies. New York ain't gonna take us yet. Well start in Georgia. Then in a few years, we can put in for transfer. Get some good collars first, before you go for SVU. Maybe you'll get lucky."

Amanda sighed. " Thanks." She twirled the spaghetti around on her fork, almost too excited to eat. " You really think I have a chance? I mean, honestly Greene, I'm me, and she's...well...Olivia Benson."

Greene laughed, smiling at Amanda. " You have a strength that no other I have ever known possesses. You've dealt with Tavers, your dad, Heck, you basically raised your baby sister. If Benson doesn't see that strength in you, she's an idiot." The passion in Greene's voice shocked her.

" Thanks..." Rollins sighed softly, smiling at him, trying her best to keep her anxiety down to a minimum at the moment. She felt sick, her stomach was tied in knots, and she was absolutely sure she was going to hurl sometime between now and receiving her precinct assignment. It wasn't so much WHERE she was going to be working, but WHO she'd be assigned to work with. She hoped against hope that she wasn't working with Tavers. Anyone, literally anyone, even Mason who was terrified of germs, guns and dogs, (specifically German Shepherds) would be better than him. Out of everyone here, she'd want to work with Greene. If she was straight, she was sure she'd probably have a desire to date him.

"All Senior Cadets please report to your designated hall for Precinct assignments." Amanda stood, absolutely positive she was going to hurl. With shaking hands, she pulled her wallet from her back pocket, taking the folded up magazine article from it, looking into warm, strong eyes. She felt steadied, like she could do anything.

Entering the large hall, Amanda chose a seat in the front, waiting for her instructor to hand her her assignment envelope. For some reason she couldn't fathom, a sense of complete dread was pooling in her belly, a lead weight replacing the innocent butterflies from earlier. An instinct deep inside her wanted to be far away from this place, far away from the assignment that awaited her.

"Rollins, Amanda May." The envelope felt heavy in her hands, dangerous, like she'd been handed a cotton mouth snake instead of a precinct assignment. She'd grown up with her Mama telling her she had a sort of sixth sense and now she felt like Mama was right. Whatever was in that envelope, Amanda was sure it wasn't good, not by a long shot.

She slid her finger under the flap, gasping as she felt pain slice across her index finger. If that wasn't a bad omen, she didn't know what was.

 **ALABAMA** **GEORGIA**

 **CHARLES PATTON**

Amanda felt the air go out of her lungs. She got to work with Patton? He was very well known for his success rate of the new officers from his precinct. Amanda had been hoping to work with him, because the number of recruits that went on to work for SVU at his recommendation was the highest in the entire department. Patton. Wow. THE Charles Patton.

" Good news Manda." _Great. Way to ruin a moment._ Amanda turned her head, groaning as Tavers flashed his paper at her. "Guess we're both working at Atlanta 31."


	3. Youpaintmeablueskythenturnittorain

Amanda sat straight in her chair at the dinner table, smiling as Chief Patton raised his glass. He stood, clearing his throat, the smile on his face reaching up to his eyes.

"I'd like to propose a toast, to Detective Amanda Rollins. Amanda, you are not my daughter, but you are as good as my own. You are the daughter I have never had. Welcome to the family."

"Thankyou." Self conscious, but inwardly glowing with pride, Amanda dipped her head, sure her face was blushing. She looked up, seeing the Chief and his wife, and their three sons smiling up at her. "Y'all have been more than kind enough to me. Really. I'm honored to serve with you, and to be taken in to your family-" Amanda took a deep breath. "I've never had a father. You're the only father I've ever known, if I'm being truthful."

"Well." The Chief cleared his throat, "I'm honored to be your father."

Amanda walked up the stairs to her apartment that night, a smile on her face, though she was very tired. "Hey Banjo." She smiled warmly at the old Blue Tick hound that lay on her couch. She tossed her purse to the floor, smiling as she tossed the dog a treat. "How are you Boy? You have a good day?" The dog raised his left ear high in the air. "I should've named you Trusty." She laughed, entering her kitchen. She pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator, kicking off her shoes as she walked into her bedroom. She flipped on the light, smiling as she pulled her diary out of the spot between her bed and the wall.

 _"Dear Olivia._

 _Today was absolutely amazing! I passed my test to become a detective, and we had a celebratory party for me at Chief Patton's house! I thought it couldn't get more wonderful than that. Honestly! He's my hero! I've never known anyone else who cared enough to help me succeed. Mamma didn't even want me to become a cop, but in all honesty, I did it because it's what I've always wanted. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe it. Anyways, Chief Patton said I'm like his daughter! I've never had a father and to have someone like him as a substitute, is well...amazing. I'm so glad I got assigned here, in his precinct. Even though I do have to work with Tavers, but I don't mind. He's an okay cop, when you get past his sexist attitude. I'm just glad that he's not my partner anymore. I talked to Patton, I was really nervous, since Tavers is his nephew and all, but he said not to worry, he'd reassign me. I get my new assignment tomorrow. I can't think of anyone else that I would hate working with. Maybe I'll get assigned to be Powell's partner. She's pretty cool. She's an old hat with the force, kinda reminds me of you. Not that you're old or anything. God I'm glad you're never going to read these lol. Goodnight Olivia. I love you. Thanks for listening._

Amanda put the diary away and turned off the light. She closed her eyes, but not before she stole a glance at the newspaper article she'd been reading that morning. _"New York Detective arrests five in trafficking case."_ She smiled as she began to fall asleep. She hoped that someday she would meet the beautiful woman again. But, even if she never did, she was learning from Benson's life and all the things she was accomplishing. She fell asleep that night with a smile on her face, dreaming of driving down the streets of New York city with Benson in a squad car.

"Good morning Rollins." Amanda set her coffee on her desk, and turned to greet her boss. "How was your evening last night?"

"Good Morning Chief. My evening was wonderful. Can I ask who my new partner is?" Amanda responded, looking at him. Patton raised his eyebrows, a grin on his face. He pulled her chair away from her desk, gesturing with a grand sweep of his hand for her to sit down.

"You're in luck. Your new partner is an old veteran of the force, looks like Clark Gable and is standing right here in front of you." Amanda snorted.

"You do NOT look like Gable." She laughed, finding herself blushing. She rolled her eyes. "YOU'RE my new partner? That..that means I'm Chief's assistant." Amanda's eyes widened. "I..I'm not ready! I..Chief's assistant? I'm new!"

"You've worked here for a year Amanda. It normally takes a rookie three years to move up to detective, but you've done it in one. you're the best detective I know. trust me Darlin' you're more than ready." Patton's calm eyes steadied her, and she took a deep breath and stood on her feet.

"I accept. I'm honored to work with you. I won't let you down." Amanda was surprised when her boss pulled her in for a hug.

"You better not." She felt Patton's hand on the small of her back and for a fraction of a second, she felt a cold feeling, an instinct to run away, to get as far away from him as possible. But why? He loved her, yes, but he had said he loved her like a father loves his daughter. Amanda pushed the feeling away, chalking it up to nerves. "I have a meeting with the Police Commissioner for lunch today. Come with me and I'll introduce you. He'll be looking forward to meeting you. I've told him a lot about you."

Amanda stood in the bathroom, checking her hair and makeup in the mirror for the umpteenth time that hour. She tried to calm her racing heart and her nerves but to no avail. Her hands shook as she pulled the worn picture from her wallet, allowing the strength in the soft brown eyes to calm her, to steady her. She sucked in a deep breath. "I can do this. I HAVE to do this. It's just the Police Commissioner. It's like I'm meeting just another person. It'll be okay. I'm sure of it. It'll be just fine. Okay Amanda. Head up, shoulders back and stand up straight."

The restaurant was so beautiful that the tile in itself could have taken Amanda's breath away. She had never been to a place where the menu was mainly in Italian, and she blushed in embarrassment when she turned to Patton. "I can't read this." She whispered.

"It's alright. I'll help you." She felt his breath on her ear as he read out the different menu items, translating them to English. Her heart began to pound, and she again felt the deer-in-the-headlights feeling where she didn't know if she wanted to run or to freeze. "Relax Amanda." She told herself "He's reading you the menu. it's ok." But she still couldn't shake the feeling.

"I'll have the Chicken Parmesan salad." She said, hoping the other occupants of the table couldn't hear her heart beating. She was sure it was going to beat itself right out of her chest.

Soon, the waiter arrived with their food and drinks, and Amanda relaxed. The Commissioner was a charming, grandfatherly man who reminded her of the KFC logo. He put her at ease right away, chatting her up about her dreams and ambitions. "My end goal is to transfer to New York City and work Special Victims . I've wanted to go there for the longest time. Ever since my academy days." She took a bite of her salad, smiling when the Commissioner hummed his approval around a bite of shrimp and pasta.

"From what I have heard from Deputy Chief Patton you'll be the one to do it. Why just last week he was telling me about how you were able to diffuse the situation at the bank without calling in the hostage negotiations team when he stopped in to turn in some paperwork." He took a drink of his wine,smiling at her in that grandfatherly way of his that was already putting Amanda well at ease. "You're one of his favorite cops. It's no surprise that he chose you to be his assistant."

"Thankyou." Amanda smiled, "He's an amazing man. I've learned a lot from him. I hope to continue to learn from him and improve even more." She knew it sounded like a textbook answer, but she really couldn't think of anything else to say. She turned to look at Patton and was pleased to see that he was beaming. "I couldn't do this without him. Not in a million years."

"Well Amanda." Patton smiled, sliding his arm around her shoulders in what she assumed, was a fatherly gesture. "I have to say I'm proud to work with you as well. I've never known a gal with your drive and ethic. I'm honored to have you on my team."

"Thankyou." Amanda responded, trying her best to shut the alarm bells off that were screaming in her head. She was sure Patton wasn't aware that his hand was brushing the side of her breast. If he was, he would surely be just as embarrassed as she was. She decided to ignore it. She was sure that he didn't notice. Was she trying to convince herself?

Amanda sighed as she entered her apartment that night, thankful that Patton had driven her home. They'd talked in the car for nearly four hours outside in her parking lot, and her head was aching. They'd started off talking about work, about her past cases, and she'd taken the opportunity to ask him for tips and tricks, and he'd readily responded as she hoped he would, sharing everything he knew with her. The conversation had taken a very unexpected turn when he asked her about her childhood and she found herself telling him things she had never in her life told anyone, except her diary. She told him about her mother, and her drinking problems, how from a young age she was taking care of her baby sister, who she would, even today do anything for. She told him how her sister was into drugs and was , last she'd heard working in prostitution in Las Vegas, but that she wasn't sure. And, to her absolute shock, she told him about her Uncle Todd. She'd never told anyone, not even her diary about that awful pig of a man. But she told Patton. Once she started talking, she couldn't stop. It was like word vomit,but Patton didn't seem to mind. She'd started crying when she began to talk about Todd, about what he had done to her, and Patton had held her close to him, and she had buried her face in his shirt, sobbing so hard her whole body shook. In hindsight, she knew his expensive, silk shirt was now covered with mascara and eyeliner, but he didn't mind, just held her, his big hand caressing her hair and his deep voice telling her that it would be alright, he would hunt Todd to the ends of the earth, and if the Statute of Limitations was up, he would kill him himself.

 _"Dear Olivia,_

 _Is this what having a dad is like? Being able to tell him anything, knowing that he would protect you and defend you? If that's true, why do I feel uncomfortable around him sometimes? What does this mean? I wish you were here Olivia, the I could talk to you about this stuff in person. But I'm sure glad I've got this diary and Banjo. "_

Rollins lay down in her bed, after brushing out her long hair and washing the streaked makeup off of her face. Banjo jumped up beside her and she wrapped her arms around the big dog, sighing as she began to fall asleep. Everything would be alright, it was jut a new world she had to navigate.


	4. a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Amanda raced into the squad room, heart pounding so hard it was surely heard through the entire department, not caring at all that the other detectives saw the tears streaking down her cheeks, not caring that her coffee was spilling out as she ran. "What happened?" She threw open the door to the Deputy Chief's office. "Charles..What happened? Where is she? Where is my sister?"

"Sit down Amanda. Here...easy..sit down sit down." She melted into his arms, as she felt her legs give out under her, and she was sobbing. "SHhh...Amanda...Hey..Mandy..Shhhh..." He held her, his big hand strong on her trembling back, and for what must be the millionth time, she was thankful for his support. if ever she needed a father it was now.

"What did she do? What did Kim do?" Amanda asked, between sobs, her hands clutching desperately at the fabric of his suit. "Charles...what did she do?"

"Your sister went into a convenience store, and attempted to pay for a six pack of beer and a full tank of gas with a fraudulent check. Upon closer inspection, it seems that she had done the very same thing on another twelve occasions, each time spending more than a hundred dollars."

"NO." Amanda breathed, feeling her heart break into tiny little pieces. "No. that's ...that's twenty to life.." Her mind was reeling. "I'm...I can't lose her...She's the only family I have..." Amanda looked at him, and saw steady strength in his kind eyes. "Chief..Can I see her?"

"Amanda. As a cop we all have to make difficult choices. Years ago, my oldest son worked under me and someday, I imagined, he would be Chief in my place. He was an amazing cop, you remind me of him in many ways, which is why I think we are so close, if I may be so bold as to assume that we are close. Joey was my pride and joy Amanda. He was easily the best cop, and he excelled at everything he did. He turned in more drug collars than Any other on the force, and I turned a blind eye to what I knew was the truth. He was pocketing the evidence. One Christmas afternoon, after our family dinner, I caught him shooting heroin in the downstairs bathroom. I had no choice Amanda. Nothing ever hurt me more than turning him in, taking him out to my squad car. Cuffing my own son, it was a knife in my own heart. Yet, I knew that I had to uphold the law. No amount of love can change what we swore to do, no matter how much we want it to. A cop, Amanda, can not ever put his or her own interests above that of the law. A cop can never break the law." Patton's voice had become hard, and Amanda heard an edge to it that she hadn't heard before.

"Can I just see her? Please Chief? " Amanda's voice broke and she stood, her legs shaking. "Can you..can you go with me?" She needed him, needed his strength, needed the feeling of having a father beside her in this, her hardest moment she'd ever lived. Telling her sister goodbye.

"Come on Darlin' " Patton braced her, walking beside her as they made their way to the basement of the building. Amanda felt all eyes on her as she followed the Chief, saw everyone stand in respect, not for Patton, but for her. They knew she was taking the long walk, the walk that everyone in law enforcement dreads, the walk to say goodbye to a family member before they head off to a life behind bars. Amanda choked back a sob as she stepped into the elevator, the temperature in the building falling as she made her way to the basement. She shivered , and wrapped her arms around herself. "Here." She felt the warmth of a coat pulled around her shoulders, and the scent of expensive cologne hit her like wind on a summer's day. Why it comforted her so much she didn't know, but it reminded her of the times she would sneak into the attic and curl up in her dad's bathrobe and read one of her favorite books aloud, pretending he was reading her a bedtime story. This was decidedly different, but she knew, she knew Patton would make everything ok. That's what fathers do. They make everything better.

"Kim!" Amanda's heart broke as she fumbled with the door of the holding cell, finally getting it open, holding her sister close to her when Kim launched herself into Amanda's arms. "Kimmy..what the hell did you do? Why the hell did you do it?"

"Sissy. I can explain..I really didn't..Manda, it's a trap..I didn't do anything. Seriously. Your Chief...he forged everything, he took me in..he arrested me..he...He wants you." Kim's voice was desperate, her eyes had taken on the look of a fox in a trap and her accusations ignited a fury in Amanda like nothing else every had.

"PATTON DID NOT DO THIS. WHY THE HELL CAN YOU NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS BLAME YOUR SHIT ON OTHER PEOPLE?" Amanda shoved her sister away from her, fire in her eyes. "YOU FUCKED UP. ADMIT IT.!" She snarled. "I want to help you. I do, but I can't. Not when you try to blame my boss for your own shit. " She was breathing heavily. Her mind whirled. Where did Kim even come up with this stuff? "Tell me the truth, and I'll see what I can do?"

"I am telling you the truth Amanda. Really. You need to listen to me. Get out while you can. Please Sissy.. don't try to help me. That's what he wants." Amanda was struck by the urgency in her sister's voice but decided it was just another ploy. Another way to try to make her believe this stupid cock-and-bull story and gain her trust. But it wasn't going to work. Not on her.

"Save it for the Judge!" Amanda snarled, internally cursing herself for the cliche line, but it was all that came to her mind at this point in time. Her heart breaking, she turned and stalked out of the holding cell, slamming the door behind her with a loud clang.

"I'm sorry Amanda." Patton's hand on the small of her back steadied her. She turned to him, her eyes a stormy blue.

"She blamed YOU." Amanda snarled. "She blamed YOU. Said you were doing this to get at me. The very idea that you would do something like this!"

"Shhh...You are a very fierce wild cat." Patton chuckled, and inwardly Amanda wondered how he could be so unscathed by the whole thing, so calm. "I heard you defending me Amanda. And I thankyou for that, but Sweetheart- who are they going to believe? A respected police officer or a woman who was caught in a fraud charge? Honestly, she is quite stupid. I mean no offense to YOUR intelligence though my dear. None at all." He paused for a moment. "Let me treat you to dinner tonight. What with all the stress you've had today, we'll order in, I have some work to catch up on, and I think you might like to spend some time with me. I know we haven't had any father-daughter time since we went to that conference last month. Anywhere you like. My treat."

TRIGGER WARNING FROM HERE TO THE END. DO NOT READ IF DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT ARE TRIGGERING FOR YOU.

"Thanks." Amanda smiled, sitting back in her chair in Patton's office, tossing the Chinese take-out container into the trash can that sat by the door. "Ha! Made it!"

"I'll say! Good job Kiddo!" Patton grinned at her, a smile dancing at the corners of his eyes. He straightened up, and looked Amanda in the eyes. "I know a way to save your sister."

"No." Amanda's eyes hardened. "She got what she deserved. You said so yourself. A cop has to uphold the law. I am not doing anything shady to save her, though I don't want her to suffer. I know what happens to women in jail and what the male guards do to them. i DON'T want that to happen to her." Amanda shuddered. Patton's eyes had taken on a dark look, like a wolf hunting his prey. She stood up, her legs shaking. "I think I'm going to go home now.

"Like HELL you are." Patton stood, reaching the door in two long strides, blocking off her only means of escape. "You will NOT leave. And you will NOT scream. If you do, I will make sure your sister ends up with the most Handsy, sex deprived guards. If you cooperate, I will make sure the evidence goes missing."

Amanda didn't cry out as the gun was placed on her temple, didn't cry out as Patton pulled off her uniform, didn't cry out as he entered her. She took herself, in her mind, to another place, to a place that was warm against the winter's chill, a place where the snow fell, a place where a Lioness stood between her and Patton. A lioness she was no longer worthy to stand beside.

 _"Dear Olivia._

 _Today was the worst day of my entire existence. I hope we never do meet again, and I am sure we will not. I have disgraced you. Dishonored you and myself. I allowed myself, a trained SVU detective, to be taken advantage of . I don't deserve to live. Tonight I am going to take my life. I have nothing to live for anyway, and even if I did, I can't bear the shame that I feel right now. I couldn't see what was right in front of me. Anyways, I am going to go. I love you Olivia. I always will."_

 _Your Amanda._

Amanda picked up the phone with shaking hands, calling the number she never wanted to call. She had to hear the soft voice for one last time before she ate her gun. She had to hear the voice of her hero once more.

"Good evening. Svu. This is Olivia Benson." Amanda heard screaming. A long, loud wail that was coming from somewhere she couldn't place. She clutched the phone, burying her face in the fur of her dog.

"Hey...Hello...Sweetheart. Shhhhh...Hey...what's the matter...Honey? Are you there? Are you hurt?" Olivia's voice was so calm, so kind, so comforting, so warm that she felt soothed, and like she actually mattered to someone. "Shhh..can you tell me what's wrong? Honey? Where are you? The Area code is Alabama. Are you in New York?"

"Olivia...I...I got raped. I'm going to kill myself." Amanda said softly. "I can't go on. Not..Not now. I'm a cop. I..I..please don't trace this call, ok? Please." Amanda fought the desperation in her voice. "Olivia-"

"Yes Sweetheart. I'm here. I'm here. Don't hang up ok? I'm having a sucky day and I'm glad you called to talk to me. Do you think you want to talk about what happened or should we talk about my day?" Amanda could just picture Olivia sitting there at her desk, the thought strengthening her .

"Can we talk about your day?" Amanda asked, sniffling as she ruffled her dog's ears. "Please? I want something to focus on beside the gun in my hand."

"Of course." Amanda detected a catch in Olivia's voice. "But would you mind putting the gun down? Please? I really don't want to think about guns tonight. I..I lost someone today..she..she got shot. She died...I don't want to lose anyone else...I don't want to think about you sitting there with your gun..please put it down." Amanda's heart broke as she heard the choking sobs on the other end of the line.

"Ok. It's on the dresser. I put it down. I'm sitting on the bed with my dog, Banjo. Can you tell me about her?" Amanda asked, sighing as she closed her eyes.

"Her name was Alex Cabot. She was our ADA and my best friend, more even. I loved her. We were walking to the car from a night at the bar and a shooter drove by and she went down. I...I wasn't even able to say goodbye. Oh...I should've done something-" Amanda heard her sobs, and all she wanted to do was pull her into her arms and hold her.

"There was nothing you could've done. You couldn't have known. There's no way you could've prevented it. Olivia, there's nothing you could've done. You're amazing, yeah, but you're not superwoman. " Amanda scrunched up her eyebrows.

"There's nothing you could've done either, but you're going to kill yourself after this phone call. Because of something that happened to you. If you do that, -" Amanda heard a sound like someone punching a desk.

"Hey..Olivia, I..I'm not ..Hey...shhhh...I'm right here. I'm right here. It's going to be ok." Amanda desperately tried to comfort the other woman.

"Can I call you tomorrow? I..I'd like to talk to you..after the debriefing..It's going to be hard to face it on my own. I hope you'll answer the phone." Olivia's voice had take non a hopeful, begging tone.

"Yeah. I'll answer. I promise." Amanda smiled. They talked for a long time more, and when she finally went to be, she had a renewed sense of hope, everything would be okay, so long as she could be there for Olivia. In a way, she guessed, Olivia knew she would stay alive for her. And that's what she would do. She'd live for Olivia.


	5. Call it What you want to

After that infamous night, things were not the same for Amanda Rollins. Her heart was broken, everyone seemed to notice that the once confident and proud Chief's assistant was now a shell of herself, and for what they didn't understand. She came to work, went through the motions, shying at everything. Tavers had become an unlikely ally, and for that Amanda was grateful. She didn't understand what had caused the sudden change in his behavior, why he had gone from sexist clone of his god forsaken uncle to something akin to a gentleman, miracle of miracles.

Through it all, Amanda had the worn newspaper clipping of Olivia in her wallet, and it helped her to keep something in the area of sanity. She bought a locket at a jewelry store, a beautiful golden thing with an ivy design that Amanda thought looked like the letter 'O' and she cut out a picture of Olivia and kept it around her neck, and often, throughout the day, she caught herself clutching it for comfort after Patton had brushed her behind with his hand, or when she had to go out of town to conferences with him, and be alone with him for hours at a time in a car. It was rough, she realized, but not the end of the world, not for her. She was a fighter, she was strong. She was a good person, not a tramp, not a worthless bitch, not any of the awful names she called herself when she sat alone in the hotel bathroom during a police conference, an old pocket knife at her wrists or her thighs. No, when she wore the locket, Amanda was strong, was someone she could be proud of. The cutting hadn't lasted long, it had been a brief romance, her and her blade. The last conference she'd been on, she had escaped early to her hotel room, because she hadn't wanted to spend a moment longer with her boss, and had taken a bath, setting her locket on the side of the tub. When she lifted her blade to her wrist, marveling at the way the silver metal shone in the light of the vanity, she knocked the locket onto the ground, and it had fallen open. She knew it was her imagination, but she saw sadness in the beautiful brown eyes, and shame had filled her heart. From that day forward, she never cut again. That was the first of many times that the thought of Olivia had helped her to overcome her demons. It shocked her how completely and irrecoverably she was in love with the beautiful woman, and each night, she still wished on the first star she saw that they would meet again and work together some day.

"Amanda." Rollins kept walking, her feet racing to her car as she expertly avoided the voice that called her name. "Rollins wait. You're going to want to hear what I have to say. You really will. "

"Leave me alone Patton." Amanda cried out when she felt a strong hand on her arm. She felt her heart beat faster but she refused to give in to fear. Not today. Not this time.

"Here." Patton's eyes were filled with regret. "I'm sorry. I thought this might help. I know I can never undo what I did, but Amanda, I know you've wanted this ever since you started working here, and well, Here." She jerked it away from him, stepping backwards as she ripped open the large manila envelope, her heart pounding in her chest.

"You think getting me a transfer to New York is going to fix this? God, Patton. It's been nearly a year, and I STILL can't stand to look at you. Do you realize what you DID? No amount of Sorry could EVER fix it! Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING could ever fix what you did! You RAPED me Charles Patton. I'll take the transfer. At least I'll be away from you." Amanda was shaking as she climbed behind the wheel of her car, tears falling as she flew out of the parking lot. She pulled out her phone, almost unable to see through the tears in her eyes, as she drove into her parking lot. How the hell did He think that getting her a transfer would possibly fix anything? It wouldn't. No way. Not in a million years.

"Banjo?" Amanda called out, turning the key in her lock, stumbling blindly into her house. "Banjo? Hey, come here boy! Banjo! We're going to New York!" That was odd, normally he greeted her at the door, tail wagging, tongue licking her face excited to see his mom after she was gone for a long day. Sighing, she opened the door to her bedroom and turned on the lights.

"Banjo?!" Amanda shouted, crossing the room to her bed in two long strides, falling beside the still dog. Her heart broke as she buried her face in the cold fur of her faithful friend. She sobbed into his fur, holding him close in her arms for the last time. Everything was wrong. She had lost everything that meant anything to her. Why now? Why did she have to lose the dog she had had at her side since she was fifteen years old?

"Banjo...Baby..Thank you, for being there when I needed you, for being a listening ear when no one else was there, and when I had no one but you. I love you Banjo. I love you. Thank you Sweetheart. You're a good boy. A very good boy. My best boy. My best boy." For hours, Amanda sat there, sobbing as she held her beloved dog in her arms, her heart shattering into a million pieces for the millionth time.

By the Dawn's early light, Amanda Rollins made the decision to seal off her heart, so that not even Benson would be able to enter it. She decided she had enough heartbreak to last her a thousand lifetimes.


	6. Welcome to New York!

As the clock struck nine, Amanda was relaxing on her couch in her new, spacious apartment on the nice end of town. She was mildly excited when she had pulled in at six oclock that evening and had seen a squad car parked under the overhang three spots from her assigned space. It comforted her in an odd way that there was another cop living in the complex, made her feel safer, somehow, since she no longer had a dog to put her mind at ease when things went bump in the night. Amanda had always been a little nervous in the dark, not that she would ever admit that to anyone but herself. She laughed softly as she imagined what the guys on the force back in Atlanta would say to hearing that. Tavers would be all over that new piece of information, no doubt using it to torture her in some way.

Amanda stood, sighing as she walked to her refrigerator, deciding that she might as well head off to the grocery and buy the perishable items that she was unable to bring with her on the long drive from Atlanta. She stretched, grabbing the keys off the hook she'd hung by the door. She didn't have much, and it had only taken her five trips from her car to bring everything she owned up to her new place. She'd been fortunate to find a place that was fully furnished, though it had cost more than she probably ought to have paid. heading out to her car, she smiled widely as she saw the city lights in the distance. She was here. She'd finally done it. All of her hard work, every shitty thing she had endured, every obstacle she had overcome all boiled down to this one single moment. She was here. In New York. Tomorrow morning she would report to the Special Victims Unit headquarters and meet with Captain Donald Cragen. She was a bundle of nerves, eager to please, and for a moment, she felt like she was that girl again, fresh out of the academy, wet behind the ears, and excited to work for Chief Charles Patton. It was unnerving to her how she hadn't predicted what would happen, hadn't seen the signs, hadn't seen how he was. But that, was all in the past. He would never stand in front of her again. She would never have to see him again. She could bury The Incident under the rug, she never had to think about it again, because it could never hurt her again. Never.

Amanda was walking on air as she headed into the local Whole Foods, girlishly spinning around in a circle with her cart as she heard her favorite song blasting on the speakers as she floated down the produce isle. She grinned like an idiot as she picked out strawberries, black berries and melons for her breakfast smoothies that week. She grabbed a bag of spinach and one of kale, not even noticing when she began to sing along to John Mayer. _"I'm thinking something like Olivia Could keep me through the night"_ She blushed a deep crimson when she saw a tall man in a long black coat staring at her,watching intently as she spun around, literally dancing with her kale leaves.

"Having a good day I see?" Normally, a strange man speaking to her in public sent her running, but there was something about his slick hair and smart appearance that put her immediately at ease. Even so, She would've been happy to crawl under a rock.

"Yeah. I just moved here from Atlanta. This is what I've wanted my entire life! Now I've got it! I'm here! In New York!" She couldn't contain her excitement and knew her face was lit up by a smile, a bigger smile than she had worn in almost eighteen months. "I've never been happier."

"Well, welcome to New York. I'm Rafael. " The man stuck out a leather gloved hand to her, and cocked his head expectantly. "I'm sure you'll fit in here, if there really is such a thing. Not sure how you'll take to the winters."

"Amanda. Thankyou." Rollins stuck out her hand, taking his and shaking it assertively. She tossed her vegetables into her cart, "I don't always hold dance lessons in Whole Foods for vegetables." She tried to joke, but it sounded lame, even to her own ears.

"Oh, I'm sure you don't, just when the song reminds you of someone." She was surprised how spot on Rafael seemed to be. How did he know? "Don't worry. People in New York don't judge. Trust me. I know." He winked at her, a smile on his face as he walked away, a bag of grapes in one hand and his briefcase in the other.

* * *

"SHIT" Amanda cursed, as she rolled over and saw the time on her clock, realizing with a sinking heart she had overslept by a good hour. She leaped from her bed, grabbing the outfit she had laid out the night before from the chair in the corner of her bedroom. She jumped into the shower, rushing to wash her hair and prepare for the day. She climbed out, toweling off, dressing in a hurry. She raced into the kitchen, tossing her fruits and vegetables into a blender, throwing a spoonful of greek yogurt into the mix as she grabbed her purse and jacket. Once the blender was finished she poured her smoothie into her to-go cup and raced out the door, making sure to lock it behind her as she raced down the stairs, leaping into her car and driving the three miles to the precinct.

"Woah... damn. " Amanda shouted as she jumped from her car, succeeding in tripping over the curb and falling over her own two feet, papers and box of desk stuff flying everywhere. She felt tears fill her eyes. So much for a well organized first day!

"Hey. Are you ok? " A frantic voice asked as a pair of strong, warm hands grabbed her own. "Let me help you alright? Fin, grab her stuff would you?" Oh God. Could this get any more humiliating? The scent of warm vanilla sugar filled her nostrils as she was pulled to her feet. She felt her face turn the same color as her blouse when she looked into warm brown eyes.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Apparently the curbs in New York are more aggressive than the ones in Atlanta. Good to know." Amanda tried to joke. "Thanks, by the way." She hoped Olivia couldn't hear how fast her heart was beating.

"You're welcome. Yeah, we have a huge problem with curb crime here. We haven't been able to apprehend any suspects though." This was new. Amanda loved how Benson's eyes sparkled when she laughed. "I'm Olivia. I work here at SVU."

"I'm Amanda. It's my first day." Amanda hated how she sounded like a rookie, compared to Olivia. She studied the pavement, marveled at how it looked the same as the pavement in Atlanta. She should know. She spent a lot of time studying the pavement.

"So I gathered." Olivia gestured to the box of stuff the man named Fin was carrying. "Don't worry. We were all new once." She smiled at Amanda, a smile that somehow put her perfectly at ease. She felt safe their, walking through the parking lot beside Olivia Benson heading into the Special Victims Unit precinct. "You're from Atlanta you said?" The look in Olivia's eyes now made Amanda slightly nervous. She recognized the change in Benson's tone that meant she had slipped into Detective mode, trying to figure something out. She had heard it often enough in her own voice over the years. It had become easier to spot.

"Uhh..yeah. I'm the new transfer, from Atlanta." Amanda thought wildly if she ought to change her accent, but decided that would only cause more suspicion. She saw a new kind of softness in Olivia's eyes, something akin to pity, but it was more than that, it was a nostalgic look.

"I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I know you from somewhere. It's funny. I spoke to someone once, a young cop, out of Atlanta, it feels like a long time ago now, though it wasn't more than a two years ago." Amanda's heart broke at the clouded look Olivia's eyes had taken on. "I had hoped you would be her. I've often wanted to thank her, for what she did for me." They had reached the entrance now, and Amanda was sad she wouldn't have the chance then to tell Olivia what she had done for her, that night on the phone. She had the strange urge to reveal everything to the other woman, if only to be able to comfort her in person. But she settled for squeezing Olivia's arm softly, smiling at her.

"Thankyou." She said quietly, not even bothering to hide the tremor in her voice. She saw Olivia look at her questioningly, and she refused to look away.

"For what?" Olivia asked as she led the younger woman to a vacant desk, across from her own, a smile on her face. Fin set Amanda's personal box down and rushed off to get her a coffee.

"For everything." Amanda decided to leave it at that. She couldn't say anymore, couldn't speak around the lump in her throat. She felt like she needed to say something, do something, to let Olivia know how much she had done for her. But. Amanda knew, there would be time for that. As Olivia walked away, Amanda began to take her personal items from her box. She set a picture of herself and Banjo on her desk, then withdrew a red folder covered with hearts. She blushed crimson. No way could she put this in its former place of honor taped to the corner of her desk. Not here. She wasn't going to seem like an obsessive stalker. No Freaking way. She slid the folder into the top drawer of her desk hiding it under a few folders full of boring legal notes of past cases.

"Detective Rollins? Hi. I'm Captain Cragen. Welcome to the team. You'll be working with Dectective Tututola, we call him Fin. I'm sending you out with Benson for some training this afternoon while Fin is in a meeting. You start with him tomorrow. We're glad to have you." Amanda liked the bald man immediately. He was everything that Patton had not been, business like, and efficient. The captain didn't seem to care about charming her, and he didn't try to put his arm around her. This last thing made Amanda very grateful. She had never liked touch, but even more so now it made her shudder in nervousness.

"Hello. Sir. That sounds just fine." Amanda held out her hand, a smile on her face, desperately trying to look like a seasoned detective, though she feared that was impossible, as she was actually still a rookie. "Thankyou for having me here. I'm very happy to work here . This is what I've wanted my entire life." Amanda felt a blush rising to her cheeks. Why was she so nervous?"

" ." Oh. Shit. "So, You're the new Atlanta Transfer. Tell me, has your salad learned to sing John Mayer yet?" She wanted to die. Absolutely die. She silently begged him not to mention the song she was singing along to.

"Hello Rafael. " Amanda sighed, stealing a glance at Olivia's face. Well, at least she was laughing. "I trust you made it home safely." She couldn't think of anything else to say. "I didn't peg you for a cop."

"I'm not. I'm an ADA. Now. I came here to discuss the case. OLIVIA, a word?" Amanda cursed silently to herself as the lawyer sent her a meaningful glance when he addressed Benson. Shit. He knew.


	7. Look what you made me do

"So. Amanda, tell me about yourself. I barely know anything other than you're from Atlanta and you try to teach vegetables to sing. Which I don't think is very successful." Olivia laughed as she drove out of the parking lot, taking Amanda on a tour of New York. She glanced over at her young colleague, completely unaware that Amanda's heart was practicing gymnastics.

"Well." Amanda sucked in a deep breath, sighing as she twirled a strand of blond hair on her finger. "What do you want to know? I'm the oldest of two girls, and my Mama works as a secretary . Daddy…well…he ran off."

"I'm sorry to hear that." There was no pity in Olivia's voice, none of the usual reaction she got from people when she mentioned her father. She was grateful for that.

"Do you have any pets? Kids? You single? Married?" Olivia was just asking a simple question, Amanda knew that, but well, she had to fight the blush that threatened to rise when Olivia asked if she was single. So she'd focus on another question. That might help.

"I had a dog. A beautiful hound named Banjo. He died two weeks before I moved here. My chief had just given me my transfer assignment and –" She paused, contemplating. "I know it sounds weird, but I wanted to tell him. It has always been my dream to work in New York, and I…well, I wanted to tell the only one in my life that mattered at the time. I walked in and he was just…dead. Gone." Amanda brushed away a lone tear from her eye, trying to pass it off as a stray eyelash. She sighed, turning to stare out the window, completely transfixed on the passing skyscrapers. She didn't want to talk about Banjo. But she also didn't mind telling Olivia the hard things, the things that hurt. But she didn't want to cry in front of her either. So it was a lose lose situation .

"I get it. I had a cat, growing up, his name was Hermes. He was my best friend from kindergarten until two days before I started high school. I went to take a shower, and came back into my bedroom, and there he was, curled up on my pillow, unresponsive and cold. He was gone." Olivia sighed, reaching out to squeeze Amanda's hand, sighing softly. "Hey, Rollins"

"Yea?" Amanda asked quietly, smiling slightly at the contact. She wasn't blushing, that much she was thankful for, but her heart was doing somersaults.

"I want you to know, that should you ever feel alone, or frightened, or upset, you can come to me. I will always be here for you no matter what. No questions asked. Alright?" Amanda was shocked by the intensity of Olivia's voice. A lump formed in her throat, and she seemed to be unable to speak for a moment.

"Yea..ok…thanks. Same if you ever need anything." Amanda smiled slightly, tearing her eyes away from Olivia's intoxicating brown ones and turning her gaze to the road. " Do we have any open cases right now? Anything I need to be informed about? "

Olivia took her time in answering. She pulled the car over to the side of the road, back behind a donut shop that was closed for repairs. She turned off the ignition, sighing as she turned to Amanda with a serious look on her face. "There is a serial rapist that we suspect to be the same as an open case in Atlanta. We thought you weren't coming for a week or so, so we called down to the precinct there and Patton was kind enough to volunteer himself and his nephew to come down here to check out the case and help us with the suspect profile."

Amanda felt like a horse stepped on her chest. Patton, here? In New York? No. No way. She…couldn't.

"Amanda? Hey…are you alright?" Olivia sounded concerned, as she placed a hand over Amanda's. "I asked you a question."

"Oh. Yea. Im fine. What did you ask? Sorry, I was trying to think of which case it could be." Amanda lied. She was not fine. Not fine in the slightest. She was terrified of the prospect of ever seeing that awful man again.

"I asked you if youd be willing to work with Patton when he comes, since he is your old chief and all. Fin will be at a conference in Idaho these next two weeks and I think hed be most comfortable with you. Seeing as you two know each other already. "

Amanda's heart sank in her chest. WORK with him? Alone? In a squad car? But she couldn't say no. Olivia would ask why,put two and two together and discover that yes, Amanda had been the cop on the phone that night, and that was it. She had lost her chance. Not that she knew if she even had a chance. She didn't know about Olivia's preferneces and she doubt shed ever have the guts to ask, even of she did want to. Shed find out in time. She was sure of that.

"Yes…..I can show Patton around. Work with him on the case and All. I don't think id mind so much." She was shaking, trembling at the very idea of seeing the man who had ruined her life, and stolen her virginity. It would be alright. It had to be. Olivia had said that if she ever needed anything to let her know. Not that shed actually tell her, especially about Patton. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Patton was a leader on the force, nothing would come out of a rookie cop ratting out a superior. It just wasn't worth the risk to her career. She didn't want that to happen. All over a he said , she said situation. She'd done no rape kit, done no hospital visit. All shed done to protect herself was taking a morning after pill. Now she had to face him again! She was surely not looking forward to that. But if she had to, then she would.

"Amanda, come on. This is Haggerty's. Where all the cops in the city come for coffee on late night cases." As she got out of the car, Amanda knew that somehow, hopefully everything would be alright.


End file.
